Just over the last few months, 27 women in my Love Mentoring® coaching program have met seriously amazing boyfriends on dating apps. Last year, eleven even got engaged to guys they met on a dating app. One of my Love Mentor® coaches even went to a Tinder themed wedding, where the couple openly joked in their vows about being so happy they swiped right and guests were given cute mugs that said, “It’s a Match!”
Dating apps are now mainstream. And people of ALL ages are using them. In fact, Americans are increasingly using dating apps to aid their love lives, and the trend only seems to be gaining momentum. According to Pew Research Center, attitudes towards online dating have been becoming increasingly positive—in fact, 59% of Americans agree with the statement “Online dating is a good way to meet people” in 2015. Roughly four-in-ten Americans (41%) know someone who uses online dating, and 29% know someone who has entered a long-term relationship via online dating. A recent Stanford University study also found that couples who meet online transition to marriage more quickly than those who meet offline, suggesting that online users are more relationship minded.
The reality is, it’s VERY possible to find a long-term relationship online when you know how to go about it. Here’s my insider tips that will make all the difference.
Choose amazing, accurate photos that YOU LOVE!
This may seem obvious but I notice so many women making the mistake of putting up photos that aren’t their best. Here’s the thing… online dating is like marketing. And the reality is men are visual. The first thing everyone sees when swiping is your photos. (The same goes for you swiping on men!) You want to look your absolute best. Ideally you should post photos that make you feel amazing about yourself. A few hazy snaps won’t do! And make sure these photos portray who you are NOW.
No matter your age, weight or background, you CAN look amazing in a photo. I recommend choosing a variety of outfits and having a friend take tons of shoots. Joke around and laugh together while she takes them. This will capture you looking natural. You may also want to get your makeup done—many department stores and Sephora offer free or low-cost makeovers.
Ideally you want about 5-6 photos. Your main photo should be a headshot with you smiling. Then feature a mix of photos that show you enjoying life. You should have at least one full-body shot, ideally of you dressed up. I also recommend you wear red in some photos —studies have shown that men tend to rate women in red as more attractive.
Two last rules – don’t put up photos of yourself with others or exes. You want the focus to be ALL ON YOU. And make sure your photo is sharp and clear.
Write a memorable bio:
So many people on dating apps only write a few generic lines about their job and interests. To stand out and attract the right kind of guy, write something that makes him smile. Be positive and share little details that set you apart? What’s unique about you? Perhaps it’s your special love for polar bears, that you volunteer at a homeless shelter, or knit scarves for all your friends for the holidays. These little details make a huge difference.
Be clear about what you’re looking for:
Finish your profile with a line about what you’re looking for. This automatically weeds out guys who don’t fit— and that’s a good thing! Say something about him like: You’re looking for an extraordinary partnership with a fun-loving woman. And you want to have it all with her!
As I often say, love tends to come in surprise packages. So many women I’ve worked with weren’t totally wowed by their husbands at first glance or even after the first few dates. So, stay open. Swipe “yes” on men who seem nice but aren’t your usual type. Say “yes” to a second date even if you aren’t totally blown away on the first date.
But, also screen well!
Pay close attention to how the men you come across present themselves. You’re a catch – so only give your time to guys who seem authentic! Screen out guys who seem like players or who are overly flirtatious in their first message. Pay close attention to his photos — does he seem unhappy? Is he always holding a drink? Is he surrounded by model-like women in most of his photos? These are all red flags. Notice what the guy writes in his profile. Many will say what they’re looking for. Even if he doesn’t, you can often tell by what they write. Screen out anyone who says they’re looking for something casual, etc.
Keep about 4-9 conversations going at once:
On a lot of the dating apps, you can actually manage how many conversations you have going on. I recommend keeping about 4-9 matches active at once. Expect that some guys will drop off before meeting you. And that’s okay! The right one will follow through.
In the early stages of dating, I always recommend dating a few men at once. Not only does doing this boost your confidence and get the guys’ competitive juices flowing, but it helps you see what you like and don’t like from each guy. The red flags become more obvious. So even if you zone in on one guy, keep dating others for awhile.
Work the system:
Here’s a major secret to dating apps! Many of them have an algorithm that impacts how often you show up. Every action you take on an app reveals more about your preferences and allows you to receive more likely matches. Conversely, when you fail to check the app regularly, it will stop sending accurate or popular profiles your way. Likewise, be sure to update your profile often as many of the apps show updated profiles first. All you have to do is change one word in your bio every week or so.
Stay the course:
So many women I know give up after just a few swipes. To get the most of your online dating experience, you’ll need to generate a lot of matches and expect to go through a number of DUDs (Definitely Unworkable Dudes) before you get to the STUDs (Seriously Terrific, Utterly Devoted Dudes).
So many of us declare we’re finished with dating apps because of one bad date. Or, we get upset when the “wrong” type of guy messages us. Or, we feel hurt when a guy disappears. Or, we expect for it to work within a few weeks. Yikes!! All this negativity just brings about even more to be down about!
So, from this moment forward, resolve to change your mindset. View online dating as a fun experiment. Don’t take it so seriously. Remember, dating is a numbers game. All it takes is one guy.
If you’re ready to find love in 90 days, I’m here to support you even more! I’m thrilled to offer you a complimentary session with one of my Love Mentor® Dating and Relationship Coaches. During your one-on-one phone or Skype session, your mentor will personally help you to rebound from rejection, boost your self-confidence and find wonderful guys to date!. They are out there! Email me to schedule your session.
About Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love”, and of the best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.” ~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.