I know I was the one who left you. I was the one who decided to call it quits and the one who couldn’t take it anymore.
I was the one who decided it was time for the two of us to take our separate paths and to try and move on with our lives.
Technically, I was the one who walked away from you and the one who walked away from our relationship. So technically, I should be the only one to blame for the two of us breaking apart and for everything bad that has happened in our lives ever since that.
But both of us know the real truth and we know it’s quite different than what it seems.
We know that I didn’t leave you out of the blue and that actually you were the main reason for my decision. We know that your behavior and treatment toward me brought me to make this choice to try and live without you.
And ever since I left you, I’ve been trying very hard to do this. I’ve been trying very hard not to think of you and to forget you were ever a part of my life.
Ever since I left you, I’ve been trying very hard to redefine myself without you and to move on with my life once and for all.
And I am sure that is the impression I’ve been leaving. I act like I never think of you and as if our relationship is the last thing on my mind.
I act like I’ve gotten over you and as if I have moved on with my life, without ever looking back at the past.
I act like I don’t love you anymore and as if I don’t feel anything when I see you or when I pass by you. I act as if I were completely indifferent to you and that I’ve managed to kill everything I felt for you, as I initially planned to do.
I act like getting back together with you is the last thing I would do.
But the truth is actually quite different.
This is something nobody knows and something I refuse to admit to myself as well. But the truth is that none of these things are real.
The truth is that all of this is just a mask, a facade and a defense mechanism.
The truth is that I am running from my feelings as fast as I can. But I can’t seem to escape them as much as I try.
The truth is that I still love you, despite the fact that I’ve run out of reasons to love you.
The truth is that I lose my breath every time I see you and every time I hear someone mention your name.
And most of all, the truth is that the only thing preventing me from going back to you is my pride. The truth is that I would probably be stupid enough to take you back, if only you tried to get back in my life.
The truth is that I spend nights waiting for you to call me, praying for you to understand what you’ve lost and wishing for you to finally realize that I am the one you love and want by your side.
But all of this doesn’t mean I regret leaving you. Because I don’t.
Because I am still very aware of all the reasons that brought us to our end and I know all of these reasons still exist and that nothing would actually change between us if we got back together.
Because although this is something my heart can’t accept, my reason knows that walking away from you was the choice I had to take and the decision I had to make for my own good.
So this is not me asking you to come back. On the contrary, this is me asking you to stay away, as much as I am dying without you by my side.
This is me being grateful for you not reaching out to me, because I know I couldn’t resist you if you did.